Validation brings closeness and intimacy in our relationship with other people and within us. Lacking it inevitably causes disconnection and loneliness.
As counselors, we assist clients by providing two kinds of validations (validation of others and self-validation) through empathy, reminders, facilitating awareness, teaching, coaching, etc.
Other-validation:
Seeking validation from others is something that we have been familiar with throughout our life. It is a crucial need to be witnessed and acknowledged by the people around us. A child wearing a superman costume shouting, “Mommy, look at me. I am a superman!” while jumping from one chair to another is one form of reflecting our need of other-validation. It is the same need in a conflict with our spouse that drives us to try so hard for our spouse to understand our inner world so that we feel understood. As a result, when validation is received from other people, we feel hopeful and sense loved.
Self-validation:
While other-validation is deeply connected with our need to be heard, known, and felt deeply, what would happen when we live our life depending heavily on other-validation? What about when other-validation is lacking in our lives? When this occurs, we often notice that people become detached, resentful, and perhaps, unknowingly invite abuse into their lives. As a result, people become sick and are likely to self-medicate with addictive behaviors and other harmful automatic thoughts.
Consequently, knowingly or unknowingly, most of us (adults and children) develop another kind of validation—self-validation—when other-validation is lacking. We tell ourselves, “You can do it” when we are scared and “I am lovable” when we feel unworthy. Self-validation can work well as a second-line of defense when other-validation is absent. However, there are also drawbacks such as excessive practicing (going above the threshold) self-validation may lead to narcissism, isolation, and destructive behaviors including addictions.God-validation in counseling:
Validation is about our identity and the existence of self. Both self-validation and other-validation are useful (if not done excessively) but may not go very far or last in the long-term because the provision is often not sufficient, not consistent and often conditional. The biggest drawback is that both of the validations mostly connect with the “learned identities” (in terms of worldly images, values, beliefs, etc. that are associated with different roles) instead of the “original identity” (images that were created in God’s image). In my opinion, the long-lasting and true healing is only achieved by God-validation, which brings reconciliation and intimacy with God (John 4:13-14).Author : Mark Liu M.A., LMFT
